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Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 09:39 am It's too damn early for this.
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[info]youcantfly, posting in [info]fanficrants
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If Hitler were to have a secret lover, I don't think it'd be Jesus, seeing as he was a Jew and Hitler's, well, Hitler.

Also, when I Googled "der himmel uber berlin fanfiction," I was actually looking for Der Himmel Uber Berlin fanfiction, not the fluffy romance of Jesus and Hitler.  I don't know how you got your fic to show up for that search, dear fanfic writer/troll, but I am not pleased with you.
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 08:32 am (no subject)
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[info]supercrook, posting in [info]fanficrants
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(Obvious fandom is exceedingly obvious.)

Okay, so it's canon that Character A is violent, vulgar, and really un-PC. Character B is urbane, a pacifist, and without a doubt insufficiently manly in Character A's eyes. (Regardless of being able to beat the shit out of him seven ways til Sunday. And hell, doing so in canon.) They loathe each other. ( Name calling ensues. )
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 08:21 am Blankets.
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[info]guess19, posting in [info]fanficrants
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Let me explain something to you, oh authors writing in fandoms with vampires (at least the ones I'm familiar with).
A blanket works by trapping body heat. It doesn't create its own heat unless it is an electric blanket. Trapping body heat. Got that? Now take that little fact and consider that vampires are dead bodies. Dead bodies are rather lacking in body heat. Therefore, there is nothing for a blanket to trap if you give it to a vampire. Block the sun for them? Sure! Warm them up? No!
Please. I know logic is hard for some people. But come on!
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 03:20 pm Sporty does not equal lesbian. Lesbian does not equal sporty.
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[info]ija_ijewna, posting in [info]fanficrants
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I am currently...: confused
All right, we have this female character. She's canonically smart, independent, not quite interested in makeup and gladrags, and - still canonically - energetic and sporty. A wonderful woman, don't you think?
Another woman. A bit aloof, exacting but fair, brilliant mind, dry sense of humour, independent, enamoured in sport. I like her already.
Yet another one. Sport instructor, energetic, single, decisive. She's not that important in canon, but quite likeable.

Well, dear authors. Three surprises for you:
Not every woman who's sporty is lesbian by default.
Moreover, not every lesbian is a fan of sport.
It is possible to like sport AND to like makeup at the same time, really.

Jeez, I feel equally comfortable in a ball gown and full makeup, dancing viennese waltz, and in trekking shoes while climbing high mountains. People usually are 3D characters, not those paper cutouts you believe them to be.

So why you keep writing them this way, huh?
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 06:48 pm "his legs doubled up and one arm twisted back underneath his body"
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[info]harehare, posting in [info]linguaphiles
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What does "legs doubled up" mean? What happens to the legs 0_0?
Are they tangled together or what?
I tried to google image it but i only found some gymnastic photos.
It's from Roald Dahl's Lamb to the Slaughter.

As always, thank you for your help.
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 06:19 pm All you need is love..
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[info]pc1739, posting in [info]fanficrants
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OK just as sex does not cure all ills neither does love or being in love excuse everything. My two particular favourites from the last years reading...

( Incest, Murder and True Love...sounds like the name of a band)... )
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 11:00 am (no subject)
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[info]vero_ir, posting in [info]linguaphiles
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Current Location: Budapest
I applied for a job and it seems that I can get it. The only problem is that my employer will be in Egypt while I am in Hungary. It shouldn't be a problem since it is a translation job so it doesn't require traveling. I told my future employer that I was at the beginning of the process of becoming self-employed and that I could not give an invoice. He answered:

"We can bare you and all what we need for invoicing is just a simple word document including your payment methods and amount required"

I have a little trouble making out what it means. What does it mean that "we can bare you" in this sense? [Good start as a translator :) I don't even know how to interpret this... ].
Could you please help me?

Update: Thanks for all the replies!
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 10:52 am two general rants
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[info]ketita, posting in [info]fanficrants
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 I've noticed that some fandoms more than others are prone to having a plot that goes something like this:
1. two characters make a rather strange and implausible bet, (which is obviously because A wants to sex up B)
2. character B loses, and then has to be A's slave for a week or something like that
3. sex
(4. twu wuv)

The thing is, I often feel like these "bets" are nothing more than poorly-hidden plot contrivances. I know that some characters would probably be the betting type, but....
Just because they made a bet as an excuse to act OOC doesn't make your story plausible, especially when the fact that it's just a ploy to lead to eventual sex is pretty obvious to the reader from the get-go.  If you had them make a bet which was not completely ridiculous and overdone <small>(such as, oh, B IS A'S SLAVE FOR A WEEK)</small> and then showed a natural progression towards the relationship - fine. 
"But they made a bet!" is not actually a good enough excuse, most of the time.
--

Sometimes people write a oneshot with a cutesy title, and then it suddenly turns into a many-shot.  That's fine and dandy. The problem is that sometimes when you try to have your set of oneshots have a linked "theme" in their titles, it can get sort of ridiculous when you start running out of ideas, which leaves you posting what might be very nice stories with, frankly, stupid titles.
I honestly think it's better to leave out the cutesy theme and just give your stories decent titles, in the long run.  Just write "part of the ____ 'verse" or something, sheesh. 
Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 12:32 am Silly English grammar question
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[info]fynoda, posting in [info]linguaphiles
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I'm listening to: Nightwish - Nemo
What part of speech is a person's name (like, Janet or Bob)? Is it a pronoun? Thanks^^x;
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 11:26 pm (no subject)
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[info]cynicalshadows, posting in [info]fanficrants
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Dear "author":

Normally when people post things on Fanfiction.net, they are (as the name of the site implies) works of fanfiction. Posting a "story" that is not actually a story at all but rather a request for other people to spam you with ideas so that you can use them is not the purpose of the site. You want to brainstorm? Get a beta, because when I am looking for fic to read, I don't want to have my time wasted when I read through a summary and it says you have been "struggling to come up with an idea for a story for months." I do not care. I'm here to read fic, not help you come up with an idea for one.

XOXO

Me
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 10:55 pm Dialect rant (like we needed another one)
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[info]illumnaughty, posting in [info]fanficrants
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I am currently...: amused

Okay, author, I have to start off saying that I love you for being in this fandom.

 No, really. I mean that.

Given that about three people I know have even heard of this movie, I was very much surprised and delighted to find fic for it. It makes me sad that such an underrated gem(with such slashy potential, rowwr) has such a small author following and I hesitate at biting the hand that feeds me.

But…well…

 

( nitpickish rant to follow ) 

Jan. 7th, 2010 @ 12:00 am Quick Russian question
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[info]decadentheaven, posting in [info]linguaphiles
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I am currently...: tired
What's the Russian word for 'magpie?'

While this seems to me to be an easily-answered question (I've tried the usual Google/Wiki/etc., only to be hindered by my inability to read Cyrillic letters) I guess I want to be sure I'm covering all my bases: I'm looking for a Russian character to use the word as a nickname for another (English) character who is actually named 'Magpie,' in the sense that he's a general snapper-up of unconsidered trifles as well as enchanted by just about anything shiny. If it matters, this is happening in the late 18th century.

A transliteration would be ideal, if you please, but having almost no knowledge of both Cyrillic and Russian, I'd really appreciate a phonetic spelling as well.

Thank you in advance. :D
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 08:52 pm She's the last Cetra, the only one who can save the Planet!
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[info]frinkel, posting in [info]marysues
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I am currently...: uncomfortable
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( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 08:04 pm CSI slash fanficrant
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[info]hiddenmuse, posting in [info]fanficrants
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I am currently...: irritated
I'm new around here - hopefully I'm doing this right!


Dear CSI slashers - some of you are fantastic writers, amazing scenes and all.

However, writing a story with Nick and Greg drunk off their asses and staying at Catherine's house to sleep it off - only to have the boys end up doing other things besides sleep (duh) ... well that could get a bit noisy, wouldn't it dear writer? So it would be hard to miss the racket in the guest room, yet you keep telling everyone asking about Catherine's whereabouts that she was asleep the whole time. I'm calling shenanigans on that one, dammit!

Now, onto something else - that might be a (smutty) fandom-general problem: ( Conditioner is not your friend )
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 11:01 pm (no subject)
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[info]silver_apples, posting in [info]fanficrants
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Dear Star Trek Reboot writer:

So you ship Kirk/Spock. That's fine. But there's that pesky Spock/Uhura getting in the way. No big deal; canon's never stopped a shipper before. I was happy to see that you actually showed Spock and Uhura's relationship falling apart instead of going with one of the four standard plots ("Spock realizes Kirk is his soulmate and dumps Uhura," "Uhura realizes Kirk is Spock's soulmate and dumps Spock," "Uhura and Spock broke up for some reason, on to the slash!" and "let's ignore Uhura's existence"), however I have some issues with how you build up to the break-up.

Uhura is not going to suddenly start wanting Spock to behave like the perfect human boyfriend. She is not going to expect romantic dinners and flowers, and she certainly isn't going to expect him to guess what she wants without giving him any hints (much less discussing things) and then be sulky and passive-aggressive when he doesn't figure out.

Spock's attraction to Uhura is not completely intellectual. Yes, that's a factor, and probably a pretty important one, but he isn't dating her just because he wanted to talk about the latest issue of Xenolinguists Monthly with someone. Their relationship is not cold and passionless. And if he doesn't understand why she's acting strangely, he'd ask and try to understand. He might insult emotions, humans, and human courtship rituals, but he'd still ask.

Finally, how can you have Spock and Uhura break up because she's too emotional and human and can't cope with Spock's Vulcan-ness and then expect your readers to believe Kirk/Spock will work? The only thing Kirk has going over your portrayal of Uhura is that he'll skip the passive and go straight to aggressive, and that might give Spock a clue that Kirk is unhappy.

EDIT for typo.
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 10:29 pm Another HP rant
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[info]annebd, posting in [info]fanficrants
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It's 1991, and Hogwarts letters have gone out to all incoming first years. One letter, however, has not reached its intended recipient, because Harry Potter is nowhere to be found.

Now imagine that, right around this time, Professor Severus Snape shows up at Hogwarts with a young boy in tow. A young boy aged about 10 or 11. A boy with a shock of black hair, and unusually green eyes. Who is extraordinarily magically gifted. And speaks Parseltongue. And calls himself Harry Patterson.

How the fuck does no one make the connection? Fail!plot line is made of fail. Someone is going to be asking questions, even if Snape is doing his darnedest to make sure that no one does. And by "doing his darnedest," I mean "simply not telling anyone that Harry Patterson = Harry Potter."

ETA: I know that Harry's being a Parselmouth doesn't come out until the second book, but the author makes particular note of the "oh shit, they're gonna figure it out because of the Parseltongue thing," so it was another instance of *headdeask* for me.
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 07:26 pm Writers in video game fandoms, please take note:
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[info]justgwenhwyfar, posting in [info]fanficrants
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Real people don't have hit points. Neither do they have magic/spirit/whatever points. So it's kind of jarring when you refer to a character as having five HP left in the middle of a dramatic scene, and really weird when your mage starts doing math in the middle of a fight to calculate exactly how many spells she can cast with the MP she has left. D:

On a similar note... despite how it may work in RPGs, potions and other heal items generally work best when consumed, not when thrown in an injured teammate's general direction. (Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to heal items that do not seem like they'd be particularly edible, but hey, you're a writer! Creativity is your thing, right?)

Is a little bit of realism too much to ask for...?

ETA: The above only applies to serious fic - I'm all for joking around with game mechanics for the sake of humor, but it doesn't work so well when you're trying to convey how horrible it is that Character A is at death's door.
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 07:19 pm Oh look... Daddy's smacking Junior again...
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[info]tripoverhercats, posting in [info]fanficrants
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Dear writer.

I like your fics, I really do. You have a great sense of plot, your dialog is fun and snappy, and your characterization is good.

Except for *one* character that is.

Why for the love of little green apples is Dad suddenly the most *violent* SOB around. The sheer amount of mental and pyshical abuse he heaps on his son are just staggering. And it's not just one fic, it's all of them that you write with him appearing.

Only he never struck his son, not *once* in canon. He loves him enough in fact to *die* for him and has always been proud of his child's accomplishments. So where you're getting this evil abusive version when everyone else is spot on just baffles me.

And it ruins the whole fic.
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 08:52 pm Multi-Fandom Picture Rant!
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[info]glorious_spoon, posting in [info]fanficrants
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( Cut for picspam and ranting )
Jan. 6th, 2010 @ 08:28 pm New Member posting! ^_^
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[info]cocomouse123, posting in [info]fanficrants
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To the reviewer who responded to a slash fic:

Please don't post a paragraph-long, homophobic rant about how much you're SO disgusted and dissapointed at the slash pairing, and then stick in the sentence: "I don't actually have anything against gay people in real life." If you're homophobic, FINE. There's no need to be a hypocrite as well.

 

( Read more... )

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